The Satirical Running Times 

If it feels like there’s an organised running race every weekend somewhere in the UK, that’s because there is, studies have confirmed.

Runners are seemingly addicted to prove how fast and far they can travel, including how far they are prepared to go to attend the event itself. Family members are expected to be equally as thrilled to drive 80 miles to spectate in wind and rain, take photos mostly of strangers and endure endorphin-injected run chat for the rest of the day.

Authoritarians often volunteer at races, attracted by the opportunity to step in the road and hold up the traffic, meet the Mayor, use a megaphone and disqualify runners who are bad at concealing their headphones.

And unlike the Olympics, and most other competitions, medals are not reserved for those who actually win.

Says Martha Ron, event organiser, ‘at our last race when entrants discovered there would be a goody bag containing free samples of an energy bar and a banana, they went mental. #NoBling was trending on Facebook. So we upped the fee by £12 and chucked in a cheap medal worth 20p. They were really happy with that.’

Many runners claim to eat what they like, owing to how many miles they clock up every week. There is evidence that suggests this is wholly true judging by how much cake is consumed, after they’ve collected their medals.

Even following ‘the worst race ever’ runners will be scouring the internet and signing up to another within days, or even hours. There is currently no treatment available for this odd addiction.


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